Great Debate '08

NOTE: Gloria and I wrote this script. It is a fictional debate between three candidates running for US Senate. We're not trying to make any statement with this, we just wanted to make something that every adult, regardless of political affiliation can laugh at. We filmed it, but the person who was supposed to edit it has not returned my phone calls or emails. Nobody is going to care about this a month from now, so I'm posting it now.
PARENTAL NOTICE: If you have kids, you shouldn't be leaving them alone with the computer, dumbass!


Welcome to Great Debate 08. I’m your moderator, Sandra Finn-Burke.
This year is shaping up to be one of the most politically-charged in history. This year, three candidates will be on the ballot for the race for Senator: Democrat Congressman Jane Cranston, Republican Governor Blake Jakewood, and Green Party candidate Aquarius Mustafa Ahmed Fletcher. The debate will start with a question and answer session, ranging on a number of topics concerning voters.
We’ll start with Governor Jakewood, then go to Mr. Cranston and then to Ms. Fletcher.

MODERATOR: Would you oppose or oppose the confirmation of a Supreme Court nominee based on his or her stance on the death penalty?

JAKEWOOD: As a fiscal conservative, I support capital punishment. It’s cheaper to lethally inject a terrorist than it is to clothe and feed him for the rest of his life.

FLECTHER: Actually the appeals process in a death penalty case costs more than the cost of keeping someone in prison for the rest of their life.

CRANSTON: That pagan tofu eater is right! Which is why the death penalty needs to pay for itself. I have just three words for you: Pay-per-view! You’ve heard about Superbowl parties. How about inviting all you buddies over for an “Osama Gets the Needle Party”.

JAKEWOOD: Awesome! (high fives Cranston while Fletcher fumes.)

MODERATOR: Do you feel that your family life makes you more qualified to serve in office than your opponents?

JAKEWOOD: My opponent says he puts his family first. I put my state, and my nation first! There are 6 million residents in this state, and 300 million in this nation, but only 4 in my family. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. When my 16 year old tried to hang herself and had a miscarriage, I was making sure the new stadium got built.

CRANSTON: Governor Jakewood believes marriage should be between one man, one woman, and one secretary.

JAKEWOOD: Hey! What Miss Ipsen does in her free time is none of my business, none of your business, and none of that nosy dry cleaner’s business. But I do wish to stress that I support Ms.Fletcher’s right to get married to her life partner.

FLECTHER: Actually I don’t believe in marriage at all. Keep in mind that this campaign has lasted longer than Governor Jakewood’s first marriage. I was handfasted in a Druidic ceremony during the equinox.

MODERATOR: Would you be in favor of expanding the federal government’s role in providing health care?

JAKEWOOD: Believe me when I say that you do NOT want politicians like Congressman Cranston, Miss Fletcher, or even me managing something as important and complicated as healthcare. Hell, we can’t even keep the roads paved, and you want us to oversee your cancer treatments?

CRANSTON: We need to provide free medicine to those who need it most. Like free penicillin to all of Jakewood’s girlfriends.

FLECTHER: We need to abolish Western medicine altogether. Antibiotics defy the will of Gaia, the Earth spirit.

MODERATOR: Do you favor keeping our troops in Iraq? If so, now that Saddam Hussein is dead and no WMD have been found, what would be the military’s objective?

JAKEWOOD: I support smaller government, and I support the president’s policy of outsourcing the war to private contractors. Government is by its very nature inefficient. In fact, the only enemies our government was ever able to defeat in war were other governments. We beat Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, but we couldn’t handle a bunch of guys in black pajamas. So we really need to turn to the private sector for this current conflict. The best part is that no more of our soldiers will die. That will give those hippie protesters one less thing to bitch about.

MODERATOR: But wouldn’t that mean that those contractors would suffer casualties instead?

JAKEWOOD: Sure, but nobody gives a shit about security contractors. They’re like the red shirted guys on Star Trek.

CRANSTON: They’re more like temps with assault rifles. They all know they’ll be downsized when the war is over. That’s why its taking so long. In fact I can’t help but notice that the initial invasion went much more smoothly than the occupation. I propose that we withdraw now, and simply re-invade every six months.

FLECTHER: We need to redeploy our forces to stop the human rights abuses in Darfur, Tibet, and Burma. Iraq is so 5 minutes ago.

MODERATOR: Many consider the 13 million undocumented workers in the US to be a threat to the rule of law in this country. Would you be in favor of reforming immigration policy to make compliance with the law easier? Also would be you be in favor of stricter enforcement of existing laws?

FLECTHER: When these people sneak in and break immigration laws, they are really just trying to fit in. This is America. Everybody breaks the law.

JAKEWOOD: Let’s think outside the box for a moment. These people are willing to risk their lives to live here, and they are really good at sneaking in. We could put them to good use.

CRANSTON: You want to put them in the military?

JAKEWOOD: No, because then we would have to pay them. Next time we have a dispute with the Chinese, they’ll wake up one morning to find all their sneaker factory jobs have been taken by Mexicans.

CRANSTON: I am concerned about protecting the jobs of hard working Americans..oh who the fuck am I kidding. You all are a bunch of lazy shits! Most of you don’t even bother to vote! The only people watching this are drunk frat boys who take a shot every time someone says the word “economy”.

JAKEWOOD: Economy, economy, economy-

CRANSTON: Stop that! You’ll kill them!
(Test Pattern, roll credits).