Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Oven Mitt Shot Dead in Arby’s Holdup
BSN UPDATE "The 'N' Stands For 'News'"
Oven Mitt, the famous Arby’s employee and anthropomorphic oven mitt, was killed last night in an apparent robbery attempt. Witnesses say that Mitt, age unknown, was closing the restaurant when an armed suspect entered the premises and ordered him to hand over the contents of the safe.
When Mitt insisted that the safe could only be opened at certain times of day, the robber shot him.
A source at the Cook County prosecutor’s office said that the perpetrator, if caught, probably would not serve time.
“Oven Mitt is not a person, so this is not a homicide. He cannot be considered to be an animal either, so there cannot be any animal cruelty charges. The only crime that has been committed is the destruction of property, namely one $2.39 oven mitt and one 79¢ ceramic wall tile, which was damaged when the fatal bullet passed through Mitt.”
Services are to be held at 1pm Friday by the Dumpster behind the Evanston Arby’s. His remains will be permanently interred at the Cook County Landfill. Funeral attendees will receive coupons for free small orders of curly fries.
This marks the third death of a fast food mascot this year. In January Colonel Harlan Sanders stepped on a Soviet era “Bouncing Betty” landmine while serving in Afghanistan. Earlier this month, PepsiCo had the Taco Bell Dog put to sleep after he failed to meet quarterly sales goals.

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