I don't go to Tincaps games.

I do not go to Tincaps games. I do not ever want to go to a Tincaps game. I will never voluntarily go to a Tincaps game. No amount of monetary incentive is enough to make me go to a Tincaps game. Do not offer me tickets to a game. The Chairman of the Libertarian Party of Allen County has banned me for life from attending any Tincaps games. You would get a more positive response from Carrie Nation if you offered her a shot of whiskey than if you offered me a Tincaps ticket. Amish people have a higher opinion of Oculus Rift than I have of the Fort Wayne Tincaps. To buy your own mother a subscription to Hustler is a better gift idea than to offer me a Tincaps ticket.

One of my goals in life to is never attend any Tincaps games. Perhaps I should start a Tumblr blog in which I announce that I sexually identify as a Tincaps Game Non-Attender. Maybe I could start a college fund for fellow TCGNA's. We already have our own bathrooms, but none of them are at Parkview Field. I have always been a TCGNA since birth. There are over six billion of us around the world, and I wish this part of our identity would bring us closer together.

Just as Lee Greenwood is proud to be an American, I am proud not to attend Tincaps games. I'm going to guess that Lee Greenwood hasn't been to any Tincaps games either, so maybe he should do a song about that too. All he did to become an American was continue to breathe after the umbilical cord was cut, so if he can be proud of that, why not be proud to be a TCGNA?

When my novel is published, I'll lobby to have this fact put in my author bio. "Robert M. Enders is some fat guy who does not go to Tincaps Games. Out of over 6 million primates with computers in the state of Indiana, he was the primate who banged out this novel on his keyboard. He lives in New Haven with his life partner Marty."

For me, baseball is a sport based on tradition. Teams should remain in the same city, in the same stadium, until the sun expands to absorb the earth. Instead teams are building new stadiums so they can have a competitive advantage at home field. If we're not going to tolerate players using performance enhancing drugs, we shouldn't tolerate performance enhancing stadiums either. The sport should be about skill and teamwork, not about whether or not the team conned their city into building yet another ballpark.